


Soulsearching

by kiranosaurusrex



Category: Messiah Project - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 06:22:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7746541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiranosaurusrex/pseuds/kiranosaurusrex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a lengthy conversation with <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/Celtic_Knot/pseuds/Celtic_Knot">Celtic_Knot</a>. For some reason or other, I suddenly had these two songs looping in my head as we wrote comments to each other.</p>
<p>I haven't written songfics in forever, so I hope this is readable.<br/>This is a two-part piece about Mamoru and Kaito and the time before they joined SAKURA, when Kaito was trapped inside his mind in his delusion and belief that Haruto was still alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Immortal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Celtic_Knot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celtic_Knot/gifts).



> My Immortal is a song by Evanescence. I do not claim it as my own. All I own is the CD.

_I'm so tired of being here_  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone 

_These wounds won't seem to heal_  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase 

 

Sometimes Mamoru almost let himself slip into the same insanity, the same delusions that Kaito was trapped in. Sometimes, if he let his mind wander, he could almost see him, too. Could see Haruto sitting in the room with them. Maybe not as clearly as Kaito did but the other was definitely there. And whenever that happened, the feelings of guilt and pain faded away.

Only to come crashing back down afterwards, all the worse.

What would happen if Kaito found out the truth? Would the other hate him?

After all it had been Mamoru’s fault. It had been Mamoru who had killed Haruto.

He couldn’t let the other find out. He’d have to make sure that nobody would ever tell Kaito the truth. He’d keep the other safe. He’d keep the other happy. The other was happy, right?

I tore him apart on the inside, the desire for Kaito to live a normal life, to come out of his room, their apartment but on the other hand, he couldn’t let the other see the real world either. Mamoru knew he was twisted but he didn’t know any other way of how to deal with this.

 

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me 

 

For as long as he could remember, Mamoru had done the protecting, true to the name he had been given. But the one who would always protect, who would shield another and put everyone else above himself, he wouldn’t be able to keep going like that forever.

It had been so novel to have someone else protect him and watch over him. And yet Takano hadn’t viewed him as someone who needed protection. The other had viewed him as an equal. Had offered to share things to make the burdens less heavy. It became his refuge. A place where he could forget about things for a while, forget about himself and his troubles. Forget about Kaito and Haruto.

Although, he could never really forget Kaito. The other’s hold on him and on his heart was way too strong. It was because Mamoru felt responsible.

Without him, Kaito would be left with nothing and nobody. And Mamoru had sworn not to leave the other alone. He’d always been there for the other. Had been with him during good times and bad. He’d held the other when the rescuers had told them that Haruto was most likely dead. He’d held the other at the funeral in front of an empty grave. He’d held the other when they had moved into an apartment of their own and when Kaito had first laid ‘eyes’ on Haruto there.

 

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me 

 

Sometimes Mamoru would remember the time before Haruto’s death. He’d think back to the moment they’d first met. The moment when things had just clicked between them. There had never been any other person in his life - both then and now really - who’d understood him quite as well as Kaito had. And he thought it had been mutual.

It was probably one of the other reasons why he was still here, why he was still staying with Kaito, despite the fact that the other had mostly shut him out.

What had once been a red thread connecting their souls had now turned into a shackle keeping him from straying and going too far. But Mamoru had willingly accepted it and didn’t fight it.

Deep inside he couldn’t help but dream, though. He’d dream of a world where things had turned out differently. Where Kaito hadn’t locked himself in and become a recluse and where Mamoru could lead a normal life. A life when he’d come home to meet Kaito, who had just returned from his office job at an IT company, in the hallway. A life where Haruto, a college student, would come over to visit once in a while to tell them about school and his part-time job.

The pleasant dreams would turn into nightmares more often than not, though. Nightmares that reflected reality. A reality where Kaito’s eyes were empty and he’d talk to air next to him, smiling smiles that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Haruto says that uniform looks boring but it looks good on you. And I agree.”

Smiling back at the other, Mamoru had tried to sound sheepish when he said, “Thanks you two.”

Kaito gave him a mock salute. “Do your best. And the two of us agreed that we want ramen later. Your special miso ramen with corn and bean sprouts. Although I’d eat it without all the vegetables, too but I know you insist.”

“I do indeed.” Mamoru smiled. “Put your clothes out, I will do the laundry tonight when I get back.” He left the house and on his way to work, made a mental shopping and to do list for himself. At one point he caught himself thinking about buying more detergent, since he’d have to wash clothes for three and he also found himself planning to buy way more food than two people could eat. On particularly bad days, he’d stop in an empty alleyway to laugh hysterically before pulling himself together again.

Kaito wouldn’t even know. The other was too far gone, lived in a world of his own, somewhere in his mind. Even if Mamoru only made food for two, the other would always see a third bowl, a third set of chopsticks. A third person.

 

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along 

 

And then there would be the glimpses of hope. Sometimes Kaito would have moments of lucidity where the light would return to his eyes, where he returned to reality.

Those moments fed Mamoru’s feeble hopes. They made him hope that somewhere inside, Kaito was still there. The actual Kaito, the Kaito that knew the truth. The Kaito that could see him, see and face reality.

But those glimpses were just that, glimpses. Short lived, fleeting. They’d disappear before Mamoru could react. And then it would seem as if they hadn’t been there at all, as if it had just been a figment of his own imagination.

Maybe that’s why they went together so well. They were the same.

They had both created a world around them where impossible things were possible. A world where people who no longer existed still existed.

They were both together but at the same time, they were both alone.


	2. Bring Me To Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bring Me To Life is a song by Evanescence. I do not claim it as my own. All I own is the CD.

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_  
Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb  
Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
Until you find it there and lead it back home 

 

Sometimes there are brief moments where the world around Kaito seemed to shift and change weirdly. It would become brighter somehow. Brighter and colder. A place that felt slightly uncomfortable but not wrong to be in. He’d wake up at some random time - he had lost track of time passing long ago, locked in his room, his apartment - and look at the closed door. And then he’d reach out to open it and ventured out. The world beyond - the rooms beyond it were neat and felt warm and lived in. He could feel the familiar presence of Mamoru everywhere.

Leaving his room felt harder than it should have been, as if there was an invisible force trying to keep him from moving, trying to pull him back inside into the darkness that was only illuminated by the light from his computer screens.

He found Mamoru sleeping on his bed. The other’s door was wide open, as if the other had wanted to invite Kaito to come inside. So Kaito did and sat down on the mattress.

Kaito blinked when he saw the other’s face. Mamoru looked so old. Should he be this old?

Looking around, Kaito found a mirror and looked at his own reflection. It startled him. When had his hair gotten this long? When had he grown so tall? How old was he now? Hadn’t they just finished school? They looked old enough to be in university.

No, that wasn’t right. Kaito vaguely recalled Mamoru telling him about undergoing training to join the special police forces and getting a job in the 4th Division, one of the most prestigious but also most dangerous parts of the police forces in existence. Every day, Mamoru would risk his own life for the safety of others. Including Kaito himself. And he’d always, always return to Kaito.

Reaching out, Kaito gently caressed Mamoru’s face.

Mamoru was the only one he had left in this world. Without the other he would be alone. He would be alone and lost in this darkness.

Suddenly the other’s eyes opened and Kaito froze on the spot. Mamoru didn’t do anything but to stare up at him for a few long moments, though, maybe feeling just as surprised as Kaito himself did upon seeing him.

Then the other spoke, “Kaito, you came out of the room!” Mamoru sat up then and reached out carefully and ever so gently caressed Kaito’s face with his fingers. “Kaito, that’s you, isn’t it?”

“Who else would it be?” Kaito blinked but for some reason he doubted that this was what the other had meant. Again, he could feel the darkness tugging on the corners of his mind. It was getting stronger. He didn’t quite want it to pull him back into its clutches just yet. No, he didn’t want it to pull him back at all. Kaito wanted to stay here with Mamoru. He had questions. So many questions and he felt that only Mamoru would have answers to them.

 

_(Wake me up)_  
Wake me up inside  
(I can't wake up)  
Wake me up inside  
(Save me)  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
(Wake me up)  
Bid my blood to run  
(I can't wake up)  
Before I come undone  
(Save me)  
Save me from the nothing I've become 

 

The next thing he knew was how Mamoru was hugging him fiercely.

“Let me hold you for a bit. For as long as this lasts, please.” Why was the other sounding like he was begging him? What did Mamoru know that Kaito didn’t? It was frustrating how many questions there were and that he couldn’t get answers to them. Kaito hated not knowing things.

Before he knew it, Kaito’s arms had wrapped themselves around Mamoru as well. The next moment he realized why. The pull was getting stronger. If he didn’t hold onto something or someone, Kaito knew he’d be dragged back into that state of being unaware, of being surrounded by nothingness. It almost felt as if he ceased to exist. Or well, not quite. It was more like falling asleep. Falling into a blissful darkness.

Mamoru’s arms almost felt as comfortable as that darkness. Protective, safe. Right now, he’d rather stay here than in the darkness.

But it seemed that the darkness was stronger. Its grip on Kaito was way tighter than Mamoru’s.

He glanced past the other’s shoulder and his eyes fell onto the calendar on the nightstand.

The date on the calendar he saw behind Mamoru made a mental shutter come down inside of his mind and Kaito shoved the other away from him before he bolted for his room again, slamming the door shut. Why had he left it? If he went outside and Haruto came back, the other would be worried. No, he couldn’t let Haruto come back to a cold and empty room.

Yuuri let the lock click back into place. He sat down and let himself sink back into the familiar, calming darkness. This felt right. This is where he belonged. In here. Not out there.

A dull thud could be heard from the other side of the door. “Kaito!” There was the soft rattle of someone trying to get in but being kept from doing so by the lock.

“Ah, Mamoru! Don’t be so loud. You’ll wake up Haruto. You know he has to go to work early!” He called over his shoulder, reprimanding the other. “I’ll be mad if you make Haruto cranky.”

There was a pause and then he could hear a soft, dry laugh. “I’m sorry, Kaito. I’ll apologize if I see him later.” Another pause. “What would you two like to eat tonight? I am supposed to finish earlier today so I’ll go shopping after I get out of work.”

“Ramen.” Kaito replied almost immediately and he smiled. “Tonkotsu.”

“Alright.”

Settling back into the familiar darkness, Yuuri curled up in front of his computer screen and watched the numbers and letters flash over it with empty, emotionless eyes.

This was right. This was where he belonged. He didn’t need to be anywhere else. He didn’t need anyone else. Mamoru was here, Haruto was here, that was all Kaito needed. He was happy here. Everything was alright.

 

_Now that I know what I'm without_  
You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life 

 

Cracks appeared in the darkness only a few days later.

“Nii-san, I don’t think you should be doing this.” Haruto looked at Kaito, his expression uneasy, worried. “It’s way too dangerous to get mixed up in these things!”

Kaito ignored his brother’s warnings. “And just let Mamoru rot away in prison for something he didn’t do? You don’t believe it either, do you? That he cold bloodedly murdered two people without reason. I will help him, so he can come back here.”

“If you ask me, it wouldn’t be so bad if he never came back.” Haruto’s voice sounded dark, almost evil and insane and it made Kaito stop for a moment and stare at his younger brother in something akin to shock. It took a few moments for him to be able to form words again.

“What are you saying, Haruto?” He tore himself away from his brother’s form again quickly, though. At a time like this, he absolutely couldn’t let himself get too distracted. It was too dangerous. The security of this place was tighter and better than any other government institutions or companies Kaito had hacked before. It actually posed a challenge.

He couldn’t do it all in one go. It was during one of the breaks that he received a message request from an unknown source. When he opened the audio stream, Mamoru’s voice could be heard from the other end. “Kaito, is Haruto there with you?”

“Yes he is. Why?”

“I’d like both of you to listen to what I have to say.” Mamoru sounded so serious. And the look in his eyes told Kaito that he had something very important to say that he absolutely had to listen to. It made Kaito feel uneasy. Something inside of him was screaming at him to stop the transmission now, to turn off both video and audio with a flick of his wrist. Haruto looked fearful next to him. What was he afraid of? Was there anything Mamoru could possibly say that would make Haruto look like this? Kaito swallowed and decided to let the other speak.

His own desire to know was stronger than the urge to protect his brother from whatever words Mamoru could say.

A part of him regretted his decision moments later.

“I didn’t want to die lying to you. I’m sorry I won’t be able to make you ramen anymore from now on. Please remember to eat vegetables, too. Farewell, Kaito.” Mamoru smiled at him one last time and then the transmission ended.

 

_Frozen inside without your touch_  
Without your love, darling  
Only you are the life among the dead 

 

Haruto was dead.

Haruto was gone forever.

Mamoru was still here.

But Mamoru was going to die.

Mamoru was going to die if he didn’t do something about it.

Kaito fought an internal battle with himself. He had been unable to save Haruto. He had lost the other forever. Mamoru was still alive but was going to die if he didn’t do anything soon. The thought alone made his blood run cold.

All this time, Mamoru had been the only thing that had been real in Kaito’s world. A steady presence that had always been there that had comforted him, protected him, been there for him and loved him. Just the thought of Mamoru never coming back terrified Kaito. He’d be all alone then. All alone in this room, this apartment, this world. He’d have nothing left. He would fade into nothingness and be gone.

And then the reaper knocked on his door. Or maybe it had been the devil. Kaito hadn’t cared anymore at this point in time. If the other could help him save Mamoru, he’d sign his soul over to him without a second thought. Anything to save Mamoru.

With one last glance at a picture of Haruto on the desk next to his computer, Kaito turned to the door and undid the lock before he used all of his might to throw it open and run outside. He had no time to lose. Any minute, no, any second could be vital. It would be a second less in which something could happen to Mamoru.

 

_All this time I can't believe I couldn't see_  
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me  
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems  
Got to open my eyes to everything  
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul  
Don't let me die here  
There must be something more  
Bring me to life 

 

Kaito clung to Mamoru for dear life once the other settled down in the helicopter. He barely registered how the other wrapped his arms back around him.

“I’m so glad we made it in time. I’m so glad you’re alive.” He whispered brokenly, followed by a soft, “I’m sorry.”

A warm hand stroked his back. “What are you apologizing for?”

“Everything. I put you through a lot, didn’t I?” Kaito knew he didn’t even know or remember half of what had happened in the past years but he was starting to be able to imagine. He had a lot to catch up on. He had a lot to learn, maybe learn again.

Mamoru pulled him closer, ever forgiving, ever gentle, ever so protective. “Don’t blame yourself, Kaito. If anything, we are both equally to blame.”

The other had always protected him, taken care of him, dedicated his life to him. Up until now. There was no way Kaito would ever be able to pay back the debt he owed the other but he could at least try and make up for things from now on. He swore that he would dedicate his own life to Mamoru in return. He’d take care of the other and he swore to not be a burden to the other anymore.

It was an oath he’d take officially later on, when both of them were officially became members of SAKURA.


End file.
